i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
