im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
