You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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