god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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