Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
