I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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