I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
