Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
