I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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