Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
