hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I look excited, but its just a facade.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
