My cat gives me a boner
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
