FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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