i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
