just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
