I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.