She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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