Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
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does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
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Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course