remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
