your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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