I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
