1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.