Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.