That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
