Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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