im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
