I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
