You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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