and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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