i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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