Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
