So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize