I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
