Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
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We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
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Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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