my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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