It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
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