if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
