I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
