what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Green mimosas i think yes
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
