my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
