The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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