we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
