do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
