none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
