My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
