hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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