so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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