just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
