I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Come on in and take your pants off
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