Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Of course I have a pirate flag
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
