My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
