If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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