it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
