oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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