I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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