mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
