If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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