Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
