How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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