Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
