Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
