you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
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we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
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How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize